Living through depressive episodes is exhausting. No, it’s worse. For a certain amount of time, it is like hell – but not the endless being burned and tortured kind of hell – the kind of hell that is too plain and ordinary to be bearable, just like the one in ‚Huis Clos‘. It’s waking up and not wanting to start the day because you know there is nothing new, nothing to offer. I have a poster of Camus at the wall opposite my bed and sometimes it makes me laugh..as if I’d need a poster to remind me of my existential crisis. I know what helps me. Theoretically. The usual. Eating healthy, exercising, social activities, trying to establish a routine. Often, I manage to stick with a lot of those but sometimes I fall and get caught in passivity, doubts, anxiety and escapism as a way to deal with everything…or rather as a way to avoid everything.
7. July 2020